Karen's Story
Names have been changed to protect the identity of our members.
My name is ... actually it doesn't matter what my name is, the important thing is that I know myself to be an alcoholic.
I didn't always know that, in fact it was the biggest surprise of my life, but it was always a puzzle to me why I could not stop drinking.
Outwardly I was a respectable middle-aged lady who ran the local Post Office and corner shop. I was married with three healthy children and still in the family home; although I drank every day I didn't think I drank enough to be an alcoholic.
I was a 'lace curtain drunk', too much of a snob to be seen drunk in public. When I drank socially it was very hard, you all drank so slowly it was torture, so I would always be the first to leave telling my friends 'I don't like to drink much'.
I didn't know that I had already lost the choice, so I thought perhaps I needed to try harder. All I ever wanted was to control and enjoy my drinking. My drinking became a lonely, guilty secret and the more I tried to control it the greater the need to drink became. I didn't know that I was in fact ill, not mad or bad.
I did many crazy and scary things during my drinking, but one of the scariest things I ever did was to ring Alcoholics Anonymous at 8am one Monday morning. I rang not because I thought I was an alcoholic but because I didn't want to become one. I wanted some tips on how not to be an alcoholic as the need to drink in the mornings was getting stronger; if I drank in the morning then I would have to drink all day, because once I had one I just had to keep going.
I went to my first meeting; it was at the local hospital so that made it respectable. Two big problems. One, what happens if someone knows me and secondly, what do you wear to an AA meeting. I decided to dress all in black. When I got there to my horror I started crying and couldn't stop. They were all wearing bright clean clothes and laughing.
Standing there in front of me was one of my customers. I wasn't surprised to see him because he was the local drunk, he was however surprised to see me.
Not then or since has a single member of AA ever broken my anonymity by disclosing my membership. After all, they are there for the same reason I am.
I started crying and I cried for the whole hour-and-a-half the meeting lasted. Not one single person put their arm around me and told me 'it will be all right', because they knew I wasn't alright. I didn't have to explain to them why I was there, they knew. I never even told them my name. I just cried at them and they asked nothing more of me. It was the first time I felt I did not have to justify or explain myself to anyone. I was allowed to be what I was and at that moment I saw what I had become, a pathetic whinging drunk. I drank every day. I got drunk every day because life just hurt and I couldn't cope. I had been doing that for 15 years.
At that first meeting, no-one asked about my drinking, they just told me about theirs and let me make up my own mind. It wasn't how much I drank, it wasn't what happened when I drank, it wasn't even how often I drank, it was how I felt when I drank and they knew all about that. I thought I was the only one who had to pretend to know what was going on. Like them, I just kept trying to get it right but it never felt right.
Suddenly I knew that my drinking would never get better only get worse, that it would destroy me and my family. I also recognised that if these people had got well then so could I.
That was 29 years ago and I am so grateful to say that in May this year I shall have been sober for 28 years. AA has taught me not only how not to drink, it has taught me how to live my life so I do not need to drink today.
If you are concerned about your drinking then contact AA on 0800 917 7650. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Not ready for that yet? That's okay. They will wait for you because they waited for me. On the other hand, it will never be easier than it is today so why not seek help now. I wish you well.